Spoilt by Civility

Adjusting back to Indian culture has been harder than I imagined when I landed in Bangalore with a one-way ticket from Chicago O’Hare. 🛬

Through my 20s I was trained to follow an ethos of respect, civility, and professionalism - it’s become who I am. Workplaces and schools were my safe havens. 

No room for ego or disrespect. Prestige took a backseat; respect was the engine that drove the institution forward. 

Guess what? It made people productive and passionate. 🚀

Even growing up in Punjab, disrespect wasn’t tolerated. If someone crossed a line, verbally or physically, others stepped in (again verbally or physically). 

Harsh tone quickly attracts criticism. Most importantly, no one sweats the small stuff. 

But I always kept my guard up. I was bullied after we moved to a bigger city for my broken english so I learnt to build a shell around me.🛡️ 

(Funnily, I was the national topper in 12th board English.)

Last workday in Chicago

Then came America. My guard confused people. Civility, politeness, and professionalism were givens. I let my guard down. Now, I can’t handle toxicity or disrespect. 

"This isn’t a coincidence — you see the best in people,” a senior exec once told me. Kinda cheesy, but may be it's true. 

That's why I feel like a glass window shattered when disappointed. 

Moving back to India meant dealing with prestige and ego driving decisions. Every few days something made me angry. 

Why is everyone so entitled? Why spend energy on small stuff instead of the big picture? 

A friend warned, “You might come off as a bully and a snob” How?! 🤔

I told a classmate, holding back tears, “I don’t think I belong here.” 

When I face toxicity, I am either confused or I simply freeze. To my disappointment, most stay quiet normalizing bad behavior. 

And if its a man who misbehaves, there will always be one person “You invited it”, making me feel guilty and small. 

So yes I am struggling because I am not wired to justify toxicity in any circumstance.

I’m warm - smiling, greeting, asking about your day. When warmth isn’t returned, I hear, “It’s just cultural.” Maybe, but it stings. 🫶

The US culture lifts people - collaboration over competition, abundance over scarcity. Disagreement leads to conversation, not confrontation.

 I recognise there are problems of racism and bias in US. Fairness isn’t perfect but disrespect, just like in Punjab, is not normalised. 

Overtime, institutions have been built to force people to follow a code of conduct. 

Having said that, I admire men I have met so far who respect women as principle, women who lift each other gracefully. They remind me kindness isn’t extinct; it just needs amplification. ✨

And maybe I’m spoilt. Spoilt by civility not privilege. 

My classmate whom I spoke to said, “Give yourself two years. If you still hate it, take a call” 

Until then, I’ll be building my guardrails back up. 🏗️